As much as I hold dear my caperings with Choronzon, and no matter how welcome might be the skullfuckings I have received on occasion from same, the fact remains that Choronzon is aligned with the DE force. And that's exactly what someone who is living as dissipated, messed-up and emotionally hollow a life as I am living should not be pursuing the "knowledge and conversation" of.
Thankfully, Choronzon - at least, the Choronzon that I have bonded with - seems to understand this...to know that he is not able to give me what I need at this juncture: nor am I able to give Choronzon what he himself wants from me. He seems to understand that I will not be able to give him that until I have a far better grip on things than I do at present.
Beginning in November of 2009. I began to get some signals from a source both removed from me, and within me. Like Choronzon it is something which originates in the aethyr. However, it seems to be a different "species" of xenodimensional from Choronzon, as opposed to merely being one with an alignment that's got a higher percentage of order to it than chaos.
When first I encountered it, I was in the process of realising I had to stop all further contact with my ex-mate. For the past three years, I'd been hanging out with him on a semi-weekly basis as a close friend. But I realised that it has been incredibly poisonous to my entire self-esteem, and self-EVERYTHING when you get right down to it, to do so, owing to his total disconnection from me in my presence, and utter non-involvement with me on all levels. He's utterly cold to me. Not mean, or disrespectful...just totally and gallingly indifferent.
And it's just not at all good for me to be hanging around someone who used to relate to me in the context of a very close and trusting love relationship...but who now regards me with about the same regard as one might maintain for a distant relative, to whom one remains tied by naught but a dutiful sense of obligation.
Realising this was tearing through my benumbed condition and re-opening all my wounds related to my losing him.
On Thanksgiving night, I was walking home from dinner with my Lower Haight friends, and the moment when I realised without a doubt that I had to cut the proverbial cord to this person, I began to cry. I haven't cried in a long time, not since early 2007 when it seemed that my eye-sockets were faucets that wouldn't fucking shut off for 5 minutes at a time. I thought maybe I had busted the whole function from having had this happen, and that I might not ever cry again.
Obviously, this was not the case.
Dear Gods...I am so very tired of this, already! I found myself saying, aloud, as I walked through the San Francisco streets in their vacant emptiedness they tend to have on major holiday weekends. I'm...just...so fucking bored with pain. So tired of this tunnel that just goes on and on with no light, and no end. And I just went on crying until I couldn't do it any more.
Once that shit ebbed, I pulled myself together and realised I was making a petition:
Dear Powers-that-be, whatever they be and whatever Form and Forms that they take...Please, please, PLEASE let me find some way to improve my state. To find some way to stop circling the fucking drain again and again, and just going lower and lower, each and every time I think I've gone as far low as I can go.
As I waited that night for a bus, I kept repeating my call: Let me have guidance that moves upon the currents of the CON force. I love Chaos, but who can put a broken life together without the opposite force in play? Has it not been a primary reason, among many reasons that I haven't been able to do so yet, that I've got such disingenuousness as regards things of Order in general? I asked: Does there exist a xenodimensional conduit to this current? One whose bailiwick it would be to bring balancing order into lives which have had a surfeit of DE related forces guiding all events and inclinations? If so... I asked, practically begging by now...If there be such an entity, let it hear this calling, from someone who needs its attendance. Let it be known that I humbly and respectfully request its contact, connexion and advisory.
Maybe a half-hour to 45 minutes or so later, I'd gotten my first psionic "whiff" of the existence of such an entity. I mentioned that it felt like a different "species" from Choronzon. What's meant by that is that it felt a lot more like this was the "voice" of something only somewhat separate from my self...It was something separate enough from me to address me, but it was also so much more obviously attached to me. Something that belonged in me, that's supposed to be there--as opposed to something that invades me from somewhere else and takes up space and energy within my thought matrices. Even if the invasion is a welcome one, as is the case with Choronzon, it's still an invasion, and feels like something alien and different. Such is a factor in the charm of such entities as Choronzon.
This other xeno-thing, the one that's part of me, is a lot less entertaining than he is. It makes up for this by seeming like something that will probably turn out to be more useful to me.
One of the first things I asked it, after it managed to establish its presence, was "What do I call you?"
It replied: You will know my name when you are ready to give voice to it. At first I was completely unclear what was meant by this, but I came to understand later on that it was asking me to give it a name, though I wasn't at all sure why, or what name I ought to give it. Whenever I tried to address it and couldn't think of how to do so, it would repeat:You will know my name when you are ready to give voice to it.
At some point I arrived at the name Kane and told it that I would refer to it by that name. It just seemed to fit, being phonetically congruent to its spareness, its clarity, and - as I was sensing, more and more - its power. Choronzon, too, has power - and a whole LOT of it - but the power of Kane is a different kind of power, completely. Not more or less than Choronzon's, and NOT "good" power versus Choronzon's "evil" power...though it might be really easy to mistakenly regard it that way. It's just different power, which is only "good" because it is appropriate to situation.
I called it Kane because it simply felt like this was its name: it felt as though this should be what I think of it as. It wholly agreed with me.
Today, I became offhandedly curious about any possible significance that name might have---and discovered, with not-all-that-much surprise, the following information here:
Kane is of Irish and Gaelic origin, and its meaning is "little battler". It is an Anglicised form of Cathán, derived from "cath" meaning "battle". Kane is also a Japanese surname meaning "putting together" or "money".
Apparently, its popularity as a name for male babies also has seen a really sharp rise beginning around 2006.
I wonder sometimes just how it is I arrive at this consistent level of ability to know things without actually knowing them...to know them by "feel" as I knew "Kane" was what this CON-entity should be called. As it turns out, a lot of the process of putting life back together again has to do with gaining at least a partial level of financial self-sufficiency, which is something I sheepishly admit to be a thing my life has NEVER had before. But really, really needs to have at this juncture.
Kane does not have a voice that's continuous, nor one that constantly expostulates to the point of ranting, in the way I've experienced the voices of other xenodimensionals. It does not play games, beyond helping me exercise my brain's capacity to understand things by asking certain questions. It does not sugar-coat things, or try to prop my ego up with stroking affirmations. But it does do a lot to convince me, along very rational lines, that it's not at all rewarding on any level at all to write myself off as a lost casualty, just because I find myself almost 45 years old but lacking social skills, work skills, and a whole lot of what it takes to get by in life, period.
And that's something terribly important to me, because all those things considered, I'm really "giving-uppish" most of the time. About the only thing I can do very very well is avoid doing anything at all about everything possible. My capacity for avoidance is truly stupendous.
Kane assures me that that the instinct and intuition that I drew upon to give that name to it is a thing not everyone else has...and also, that it's something which can be useful, to both myself and to others. And for more things than just giving names to xenodimensionals.
So far, it's been pretty much spot-on in all that I have heard or otherwise received from it, so I'm going to give it as much trust as I'd give to any "voice in my head". But I think it deserves trust.
Especially after what I was told by it earlier this afternoon...which is a matter for another post...