29 June 2009

Preserver Agents Only Love Survivors

There is, in my observations, something of an ironic quality to those xenodimensional transversion agents having primarily "Preserver" roles and qualities...the sort of entities people tend to think of as "guardian angels". Asking for their intercession will usually come to naught, because the things just won't invest their power in what they see as a bad bet. In other words, if you need a Preserver, one probably will pass you by, because Preservers can only be properly sym-psionic with a mind that has both a strong Will to Live, on its OWN, and also the capability and capacity to express that Will to Live.

I have had dealing with only one such entity and it was as astoundingly important to me as it was limited in communicative connexion with it. About 18 months ago or so I slipped and fell in a BART station and did something to my back that had, as first pain and shock passed, caused me to feel a disconnect to my entire lower body at first. I remember Choronzon's panicked intercession when this happened and after a period of huge, endless seconds went by, I could feel C. having a sort of conversation with some other entity. It was like hearing a sound in the backround but feeling it more than hearing it. This other entity seemed to be giving C. instructions and after it stopped being there C. started asking me to move various parts of me, and not move others, and after about 15 minutes went by I could feel the lower extremities again, and soon after that, I got up.

A few days later I learned that this Transversion Agent, this Preserver, was part of a triune consortium of Preservers with bailiwick specialised to only deal with organisms that were in life-or-death scenarios. The entity broke from the rules of its consortium to deal with me as its members do not normally assist anyone with substance addiction...and Preservers in general do not bother with people who are suicidal. (My issue the former, not the latter.)

Now, I understand this could just as easily have been some sort of weird hallucination as any other thing. It's just that in most cases, thinking of it in that context is mighty uninspiring. It's more interesting, helpful and better feeling in general to "imagine" that Choronzon and this unidentified Preserver were what they appeared to me to be.

That's all I have to say about THAT. Reality being what you make it is probably totally familiar concept to you already anyway if you are actually reading this blog.

I am thinking about Preservers today because I have, for the past two years, been an exceedingly damaged individual.

I loathe thinking of myself as a Victim, a person who was fucked up the ass by Circumstances and Other Persons, but it became hard to maintain genuine-enough feelings that this has not at least somewhat been the case with me.

What happened to me was that I was in a relationship with someone for a decade and that person was perfect to me, and for a long time I thought it had been very mutual. Then a new girl poked into our lives. Polyamory promises were made, and then broken, and I became ejected from the triangle that changed its mind and decided it wished to be a dyad. The feelings my lover had for me didn't just fade away, but sharply stopped completely under this interloper's influence. And the interloper had feigned friendship with me, then dropped all pretense of liking anything about me at all once she got what she wanted. She would crow on her journal about how bitchin' it was that SHE didn't end up the hurt one. A poor winner she makes, for certain.

This event also caused me to lose my place to live. It was no small thing. It was pretty much my whole life going south. There's no getting around it.

This - however - is the kind of drama I find utterly useless. But for some reason, after two years I find that though parts of me have scabbed over I am not what I'd call "over it". I've participated in no psychopathic behaviours such as stalking, bothering the interloper, or either attempting suicide or playing at it in grandiose online scare-texting. I've just stayed silent and every so often gotten online and whined about it. People think I ought to date again. I have no desire to. I wish I did but I can't seem to scare the urge up.

I've had to shunt most of my possessions off to bags placed at various locations in San Francisco as offerings to the Metrogeist; the rest came back to Mom's house in Sacramento. She is 80 years old and it is good I'm here to care for her, but it's bad that she can't have the air conditioner on...

So I've been thinking, how nice it would be to get the attention of a Preserver, because I seem to have forgotten how to want to keep going. The focus is sort of gone. choronzon doesn't make appearances very often these days.

Today, it hit me, and it's so obvious I can't see how I'd been so fucking blind to it: a Preserver doesn't want to do all the work. I won't catch the interest of one until it sees me holding my own preservation instinct and acting on it, long enough to prove I'm worth its time and "money", which in Agent parlance is something like "probability currency".

It's what the Gods trade in.